When riding the bipolarcoaster, life can get pretty chaotic. Sometimes that chaos is in the outside world, saturating my senses and overwhelming me with too much information. Other times the chaos manifests inside my head where others cannot see or feel its effect. Sometimes I can hide the inner chaos from others. Even as they interact with me, they often have no clue that inside I am swirling helplessly in a raging sea of intense emotions, tangled ideas and fragmented thoughts. Other times, containing the chaos becomes difficult and concealing it is beyond my ability. Sometimes, being inside my own head is exhausting.
I prefer order. I like having an established routine. I continually strive to maintain control. A routine is safe, predictable and dependable. That makes life so much easier for most people but for me and others like me it is crucial. There are times I can handle the unexpected with calm poise. Other times when something unanticipated occurs, it tips the delicate balance of control, triggering a reaction that will send me spiraling.
Picture this scene:
It is an early week day morning. I am getting the kids and myself ready for school and work, trying hard to get us out the door on time. We are still on schedule but being late makes me feel anxious so I’m hyperaware of the minutes ticking away relentlessly. I try to usher the Boy out the door as I juggle backpacks and lunchboxes and coats and keys.
“But I don’t have my shoes on!” I look down to see that he is barefoot, despite the fact I have asked him to put on his shoes several times. tick tock
“Go put your shoes on, we need to leave.” He tells me he could not find one of his boots. tick tock
“Just wear your Chucks today,” I said, pointing at the miniature black shoes lying on the floor beside the dining room chair. He starts whining about his boots. tick tock
I attempt to convince him it is a perfect day for his Chucks: “It’s going to be sunny today and you get to go outside. Shoes will be better on the playground. It’s going to be too hot for boots…” He isn’t buying it. Apparently, it just is not a Chucks kind of day. tick tock, tick tock
I have a decision to make. Do I stick to my guns and make him put the Converse on? Do I make him go to the truck barefoot, grabbing the shoes on the way out the door? Do I relent and look for the damn boot? ticktockticktockticktock
The signs of an impending meltdown are clear. Detonation in 3… I glance at the clock. 2… Shit! we don’t have time for this! 1… A search and rescue mission is launched for the missing boot.
No big deal, right? Yeeeah, okay. Tell that to my brain…
My response system has been thrust into overdrive. My mind has begun screaming at me like a pissed-off drill sergeant: We have a missing boot! Where is that effing boot, soldier?! You must identify the location of the missing boot immediately! Why the hell isn’t the boot where it should be, anyway?! That is against regulation! This is not acceptable, soldier! It is now 0800, and you ARE GOING TO BE LATE!
Um, okay, brain… dramatic much?
My anxiety has risen enough to trigger that stupid “fight-or-flight” feeling of panic. (I can tell you with certainty that the auto-response mechanism which served to protect our cave-dwelling ancestors is alive and well in the 21st century!) My brain sensed imminent danger (a dinosaur, maybe?) and sent out an urgent message to my body: Hurry! Kill it or run but do it noooowwww! Survival mode has kicked into high gear… Over. A. Boot.
Chaos is not fun. Anxiety pretty much sucks – particularly when it sneaks up and catches you unaware. Surprise! However, it is possible to decrease the intensity, the frequency, or even prevent some of these episodes. You have to learn to be proactive instead of reactive. Learn to identify potential triggers. Train yourself to be aware of the signals of an approaching attack. Utilize stress management tools. Practice self-calming techniques. Learn to take care of you. Stop cramming your life so full that you have no breathing room. Learn to say no. A situation can spiral out of control rapidly. It is crucial to act quickly while you still have the ability to do so.
I won’t sugar coat this… Figuring out how to decrease stress, learning to anticipate triggers, and modifying your reactions is incredibly challenging. You will be frustrated. You will get angry. It takes time. It takes determination. It requires patience and diligence. You will fail so expect that… but never, EVER allow failure to defeat you! Embrace each failed attempt as a valuable lesson. What worked? What went wrong? Did you miss something? What can you do differently next time? Over time, the failed attempts will be peppered with successful attempts. Each victory is worth every moment of your time, effort and frustration. Eventually, the successes will outnumber the failures.
Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep trying.
Five Thousand Pieces 