helpful or harmful?

Generally, when someone is depressed or suffering our natural instinct is to try and help.  Sometimes, that comes in the form of telling the person a similar story that you or a friend have gone through.  Much more often, however, I see someone trying to be helpful and hoping to lighten the burden by pointing out, “It could be worse.”

It could be worse.

Mmmkay, show of hands here:  Who honestly believes that telling someone it could be worse is helpful?  If your hand is up, put it down for a moment and listen carefully because I’m going to clue you in to something right now.  Ready?

It’s. Not. Helpful. Seriously, not one little bit.

The source of the suffering makes zero difference.  It does not matter whether the person is battling a mental illness (depression, bipolar), a metabolic illness (diabetes), physical illness (cancer, broken leg), or if they’re stressed from living their life — telling them that they should be grateful that they are not suffering more is insensitive and unhelpful.  …and for the love of St. Patrick, do not give them examples of how it could be worse!

“Well, yeah, you lost your unborn baby, but hey, at least you weren’t that far along yet.  I mean, it could have been worse, right?”  Sooo not helpful.

“I’m sorry your kid has cancer, but hey, it could be worse. It could have been you.”  Really not helpful.

“Oh, so your boss is a dick and you’re super stressed at work and you are being pushed to the breaking point?  Well, you know, everyone feels like that from time to time.  It could be a lot worse. You should be grateful you even have a job.”  Again, not helpful.

“Aww, your dog died?  I’m sorry.  But hey, it could be worse, right?  I mean, it was just a dog and not your kid or anything.  You can just buy a new one!”  Um, yeah, still not helpful.

Most likely you have good intentions (and if you are not doing this with good intentions then you’re just a crappy human being.)  Unfortunately, the sufferer will most likely not receive your supportive effort in the same spirit in which it was given.  Pointing out to someone who is grieving or suffering that their situation could be worse does >>nothing<< to diminish their pain.  It merely conveys the message that their suffering is not important to you and, therefore, should not be important to them.  Telling them it could be worse only serves to diminish the true depth of their suffering.  You see, the pain is still there but now there is also a burden of guilt and shame.

Think very carefully before you offer this type of condolence to anyone.  For just a moment, place yourself in their shoes for a moment and ask yourself if what you are about to say would help you in that situation.  If the answer is NO then it is probably best that you don’t say it at all.

___

*Up next:  Things you can say or do that are helpful.  Stay tuned…