Dear Father,
Lord, I come to You seeking wisdom and guidance. I have arrived at a crossroad and I’m not certain which path to take.
For quite a while now I have been unhappy and unfulfilled in a certain area in my life, which I prefer not to specify at this time for reasons I know You understand. As you are aware, I have been experiencing increased difficulty with cognitive functioning, memory, concentration and organization, all of which contribute to my current inability (or perhaps lack of desire?) to perform at my previous level. Whichever the case may be, I am left feeling drained, mentally and physically, to the point that I have no energy or desire to do much of anything else. As in the past when dealing with similar situations, more than once I have had the urge to flee regardless of the consequences of my actions.
I know that there are many people in this world that would give anything to have what I have in this area. I realize how selfish and ungrateful and incredibly whiny this sounds. I do feel guilty for the way I feel about it because it would not have this at all but for your plan. Lord, You can see all the things in my heart and therefore You already know all of my intentions and true feelings. I know I would not have this (which really is a blessing in many ways) if You hadn’t brought me to this place. You have only to look in my heart to see that I am grateful for this thing You have given me. Please forgive me if I am not as grateful as I should be.
One night during small group, CS told us about how You kept pulling him to open the gym. He tried to stay the course he was already in and prayed for Your help to keep him there. However hard he tried to ignore the call to open the gym, thinking it was his own desire and not Yours, the harder you pulled him toward it. It was clear to him then, as it is to us now, that You wanted him there to fulfill Your purpose in his life. Pixie also told us a similar story where she tried to hang onto the thing she clung to until You forced her to let go in order to take her to the place You wanted her to be. It is clear to her now that You designed for her to leave the other path behind in order to start a new chapter in her journey.
Lord, I know without a doubt that at one point, this is where You wanted me to be. I also understand why you led me to this path. What I do not know is whether You intended for me to stay on this path or head in another direction. Did You intend for this to be permanent or was this only a brief stop on the journey to another destination?
Father, wherever You have chosen for me to be is where I will be. Whatever You command for me to do with my life is what I will do. Even if (when) I fear, I genuinely desire to follow the path that You have designed. I know that wherever we are, You will always provide everything that my family and I need. I endeavor to place my full trust in You to take care of us and not allow us to fall. (However, since You already know this, I may as well admit that there remains a small part of the old me that is like Thomas. Doubt still sneaks in and I sometimes allow worry to control me until I have seen proof…please be patient with me as I am working on that issue.)
I simply do not know whether I am to stay here or if You need me to move on. If I change my current path, will it be to fulfill Your purpose or will I be tossing aside Your plan for me in favor of my own desires? If I stay the course, will I be disregarding Your will and miss out on the opportunity to fulfill Your purpose? I do not want to make a mistake that will cause damage to my family or create an unnecessary setback in Your plan. I feel as though I have wasted enough of the time you have given me on this Earth, I do not want any more of it to go to waste because I chose an incorrect path.
Lord, please guide me in Your plan. Please give me a clear message letting me know where I need to be and what You want me to do. If I am to stay the course, I pray that You give me the guidance and perseverance I need to stay on this path. I pray that You give me the focus and cognitive clarity necessary to fulfill my responsibilities properly. I also pray that You comfort me so that stress will not overwhelm me as I walk this path. If it is Your will that I turn the page and move on to the next chapter, I pray that You will lend me strength to proceed as directed. I plead that You calm my fears and that You forbit the enemy to whisper doubt into my ear.
Thank You for hearing my prayers, Lord. I await Your direction.
With love and gratitude,
Your Child
Five Thousand Pieces 